I know we all go through this feeling. It’s annoying. It’s wrong. It’s not supposed to be like this. If only I could control this… Everything would be so much better. Everything would be so much easier. But I can’t. And I just hate it. I hate it so bad. I miss someone so bad and I just hate it. Sometimes, I can’t help but think – why do I miss him and hate him so bad all the same? This is so unfair.
I have made my choice. I know who to be with. I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how long I could go through with this. I don’t know if I could do this, to be honest. He is a good man. It would not be hard to learn how to love him back, I suppose. But what if… what if I’m just forcing this too hard on myself? Why do I feel like this? What am I doing this for? To live up to other’s expectations? To make them happy because they believe this will make me happy? Do I really need this to be complete?
When I’m with him, I am sure. Certain that he will give me the things I want. Certain that he will listen when I speak, and speak when I need to listen. Certain that he loves me. Or so it seems. I know how things go now. He may be like that only at the start. Men make you feel like a princess at the beginning of the relationship… until the time they grow tired. Then they’ll tell you that they realized it just won’t work out. You’re lucky if he tells you first before he tweets this to his followers on Twitter.
Trauma. It brings with it some kind of bitterness that won’t just go away. As much as I wanted to move on, the thought of how things unraveled itself when I least expected it still brings so much disappointment up to this day. Maybe because he was a good friend. He’s more than a good friend. He was my food trip buddy. He was my personal Google map. He was my personal Torrent file source. The least I have expected from him was honesty. Friends tell you straight when you have dirt on your face. How I wish he has done the same. Things could have been different. Yes, it could have gone dramatic. But I’d rather have a dramatic than an ugly ending. Just like the first time.
Mind over heart. It is so easy to say this, don’t you think? The mind will tell you the right thing to do; but at the end of the day, it is still the heart that feels. There’s just lots of what if’s… maybe’s… uncertainties. I am just unsure which kind of love is better… if ever there is such a thing as better love. I know this doesn’t make sense now. I don’t care. Chos!