Pretty Little Broken Things

©Andrena Zawinski, 2009

The darkness of the night is blinding… definitely not deafening. I could hear people laughing from afar. They honestly sound stupid, like they just saw each other again after a cruel number of years of separation. It’s crazy… no, they sound crazy. Sometimes they can get too annoying. Sometimes they’re just bearable. Sometimes I just don’t care at all.  Tonight I think I’ll just let them be. Whatever floats their boat. And on mine – I kinda miss writing about random things. There. That’s just it.

Nothing much happened today at work. Could be a lazy day per normal day standards.  but I guess not for the others. Not for me either. My check list sort of filled the whole section for my daily tasks, and it even overflowed to tomorrow. Nothing’s changed though. Same old routine, maybe. What I loved about today is the rain. It just poured down the whole day. And with it goes that wretched-of-a-song entitled “Fix You” (by Coldplay, of course!)~ and the things you put at the back of your mind comes rushing back at you again. Tsk!

You see, I get it. There are just these moments in our lives that changes us forever. Touches us, yes. Hurts us, yes. Breaks us, yes. Mends us, yes… but it’s never gonna be the same again. Not that you no longer recognize who you are – that is a different story. It’s just that you know… you’re no longer the “you” before. Call it whatever suits you – like you’ve embraced the dark side, you’ve gone wild, you’ve upgraded, you’ve grown smarter, prettier, better – for whatever it is, it stays the same. You’ve changed. You’re this broken piece of a puzzle trying to find something…

I clicked on the link. The benefits of doing it on the month of August. It felt fun reading it the first time. Such a simple carefree conversation. It feels different seeing the article now. Part of me is appalled. Another part questioning. Is this all that there is? How different could it have been? Was I really “saved” or just brought onto a deeper pit? Choices have to be made. And everything comes with a price. And I lost my faith on a lot of things for this. Fair enough?

I close the email as I open my eyes.

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Somebody That I Used to Know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The best cover I heard so far. 5 People, 1 Guitar. Awesome vocals. Awesome background music. Just perfect blending and harmony. Props to “Walk Off the Earth” for this awesome rendition of the song. I liked it better than the original. Sorry. But question is, who are they?

Walk off the Earth is a Canadian indie band formed in 2006 in Burlington, Ontario. They have gained success around the world by making low-budget music videos of covers and originals. The band built their fan base independently with no help from record labels, booking agents or management. On February, 2012, the music industry publication Crazed Hits reported that the band had signed a recording contract with Columbia Records.The band is best known for their covers of popular music on Youtube, making use of uncommon instruments such as the ukelele and the theremin, as well as looping samples. The band’s recorded music and videos are produced by member and multi instrumentalist Gianni Luminati Nicassio. Their 3rd studio album is due for release in September 2012 on Columbia Records. (Wikipedia)

Looking good, right? Thanks to the power of social media and all that fuzz Youtube has created. Hope to hear more songs from this band. Woohoo!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Love the whole song. Enough said.♥♥♥

Here’s The Deal

Oh yes it is! I’m not really a fan of giving ultimatum-of-sorts with life. Taking bets. Daring destiny. We all know how unpredictable fate could turn out. But I guess I’ll try it out for FUN this time. Who knows, right?

Something bothers me though. I could sense fear creeping in no matter how hard I try to hide it… ignore it perhaps. You know the thought “life could be a bitch”? It could all start on a light note. This is all just a game. Until it gets into your bones and you feel something else. The story progresses until you reach that moment. The catch. The twist. The climax. It gets complicated. Twisted. Difficult. And as the events slowly unfold, you either get something good or something bad out of it. What if it is the bad side of the coin?

Hmm, now I wonder. What do I stand to lose? None I guess. I no longer stand in that “all or nothing” crossroad. I have everything to gain. Or so I wanted to believe. Now I dare you life. My 22nd birthday is coming this July. Can you give me a personal birthday greeting and gifts from someone who’s a million miles away from here? If not, I swear I’ll forget everything about him and leave all his memories behind. And start a new life.

Deal?
* This is plainly stupid, I know. But bets are supposed to be crazy, one way or another. kkk *

Blame It on the Alcohol?!!

Now I know why I’m suddenly missing you out of the blue! I shouldn’t be surprised at all. Things can go crazy at times. I had not seen you for quite a while now. And I think it is better that way, don’t you think? We go on. We move on. We don’t look back. All is good until this “withdrawal syndrome” comes running back…

Call me maybe? NO WAY!

Feeling Sick or Just Thinking Sick?

It’s amazing how our brain affects our body. It’s just so small, up there. Directing everything. Commanding everything. Such a boss, tsk! It just makes me wonder. How strong could it be to influence the way we feel? Is it merely voicing out the present condition of our other body parts or is it telling us what it wants to tell us? I know this is another oh-my-what-is-she-talking-about blog post. But I guess I decided to live by this mantra now: ask questions. Lots of them. And here’s another dose of it maybe.

I just said good bye to two of my teeth. I’m gonna miss them. Chos! The aftermath hurt quite a lot. I remembered myself shaking minutes after losing them. I don’t know. A part of me just wanted to get this thing over and done with. A part of me can’t help but ask why am I doing this to myself. I would like to entertain both thoughts. But I don’t think it’ll take me anywhere so I just stopped. Just take pain killers. It’ll be all healed before I knew it.

Monday it is. I forgot I had to carry my HEAVY Lenovo T400 laptop. I didn’t care about it this morning. Not until I heard the warning about binat. Sorry I don’t know its medical term. It is something that happens to you when you’re still in the recovery period (after you got sick or underwent an operation, i.e. getting your teeth pulled out?) then you forced yourself to do some things too hard. It’s scary, to be honest. They say you can die due to it. And I believe it. I feel a little sick right now.

The question now is: do I really feel sick or do I only feel sick because my mind tells me I am supposed to feel sick? Hahaha! This is stupid. I’m one confused soul. Save me please?  lol Then I thought of something else. Sometimes it feels terrible to be alone. When your family’s far away from you, you just feel like you have no one else but yourself. No one to look after you. No one to care for you. Quite pathetic at times, actually. Guess that’s just the way it goes. Now I realized… can depression cause sickness?

Maybe this is just it. Right, brain?

Call Me Maybe

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy
But here’s my number, so call me, maybe
It’s hard to look right at you baby
But here’s my number, so call me, maybe

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy
But here’s my number, so call me, maybe
And all the other boys try to chase me
But here’s my number, so call me, maybe

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad, so bad

So call me maybe

Another fun cover of “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen – featuring my girl crushes Anne, Georgina, Solenn and a lot more! They’re such a crazy bunch, I know. And I just love this song! It’s been on repeat for a few days now. I’ve always been a fan of pop songs (since I’m a 90’s baby, haha!) and this one is really great. Just makes you dance on your seat and lip-synch to the song. I especially like the “i miss you so bad, i miss you so so bad” and “so call me maybe” parts.  So you all know what to do! Here’s my number – please load me fifty? lol

Char~ it’s more fun in the Philippines!

I Miss You So So Bad!

I know we all go through this feeling. It’s annoying. It’s wrong. It’s not supposed to be like this. If only I could control this… Everything would be so much better. Everything would be so much easier. But I can’t. And I just hate it. I hate it so bad. I miss someone so bad and I just hate it. Sometimes, I can’t help but think – why do I miss him and hate him so bad all the same? This is so unfair.

I have made my choice. I know who to be with. I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how long I could go through with this. I don’t know if I could do this, to be honest. He is a good man. It would not be hard to learn how to love him back, I suppose. But what if… what if I’m just forcing this too hard on myself? Why do I feel like this? What am I doing this for? To live up to other’s expectations? To make them happy because they believe this will make me happy? Do I really need this to be complete?

When I’m with him, I am sure. Certain that he will give me the things I want. Certain that he will listen when I speak, and speak when I need to listen. Certain that he loves me. Or so it seems. I know how things go now. He may be like that only at the start. Men make you feel like a princess at the beginning of the relationship… until the time they grow tired. Then they’ll tell you that they realized it just won’t work out. You’re lucky if he tells you first before he tweets this to his followers on Twitter.

Trauma. It brings with it some kind of bitterness that won’t just go away. As much as I wanted to move on, the thought of how things unraveled itself when I least expected it still brings so much disappointment up to this day. Maybe because he was a good friend. He’s more than a good friend. He was my food trip buddy. He was my personal Google map. He was my personal Torrent file source. The least I have expected from him was honesty. Friends tell you straight when you have dirt on your face. How I wish he has done the same. Things could have been different. Yes, it could have gone dramatic. But I’d rather have a dramatic than an ugly ending. Just like the first time.

Mind over heart. It is so easy to say this, don’t you think? The mind will tell you the right thing to do; but at the end of the day, it is still the heart that feels. There’s just lots of what if’s… maybe’s… uncertainties. I am just unsure which kind of love is better… if ever there is such a thing as better love. I know this doesn’t make sense now. I don’t care. Chos!

Payphone

If “Happy Ever Afters” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more stupid love song, I’ll be sick

– Maroon 5 (Payphone)

I have just updated my playlist! It’s been a while, I’m so late with what’s new… there’s just a lot of new songs out there. Still in line to my usual liking to download pop/ballad/korean pop/pop rock songs, I’ve tried the dance club/disco pop genre. It’s cool, I like it. There’s lot of singers that I first heard of, but the material is good. And my post is starting to lose its sense. Haha!

Okay, about the song. Tempo is nice, beat is great, lyrics are good as always (it’s Maroon 5 anyway). I especially liked the lines above. The perfect scream-out-loud karaoke favorite when you’re drunk. lol. Just kidding…but no, I kinda mean it. Haha! It’s just that we were all raised thinking that life is a one happily ever after ride. Screw you, fairy tales! *here in my heart, I’m still rooting for Cinderella and Ariel though…*

I’m bored. I’ll go get some fresh air.

Not Saved…

Ugh! Why, oh, why~

Have you ever typed a long, long, long, long blogpost or paper or speech or document or whatever and when you are about to save it, your PC and/or internet connection gets nuts and the next thing you know…everything’s gone!!! Nakakaloka! Sayang ang effort ko. The emotions are not there anymore. The hype died down. The moment is gone. And my “writer’s” block is starting to creep in. I will not re-type my unsaved post. Ayoko na. Tampo na ko. Char! Hahahaha!

Ang post na ito ay walang kwenta. Agree? Bawi na lang ako next timeTime to finish my accounting homework! Signing-off now. Good night!